Seven years ago on this day I held a ceremony for my horse Jasper. A renaming ceremony. I gave him the 'posh' name Solstice and pet name Jasper. He's gone now. I guess he's still alive. But if so, he's probably, again, called Baby.
Funny that I was thinking of him this morning on my drive to work. He was a sweet horse - very cheeky. And, of course, traumatised. He never really felt mine. Like the cats I have got as companions or extras, the unchosen ones. How I could never quite love them as I ought.
Thankfully, there is no creature feeling second-rate in my heart now. If they noticed. I think of Galahad and Ghost. Feel that I never gave them enough. And I feel I let Raffy go too soon. Now that my friend has worked such wonders with her cat's kidney disease. I gave up on him.
There's guilt too about the horses. All the horses. I've never done well enough by the animals that depended on my care.
And then there are the people too. Does one ever do enough? Would any of us ever get to heaven, given the infinite capacity of love and the oh-so-finite amounts we express or act upon.
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