Close attention

There were a few days of heavy rain during the Paralympic stint. Made it rather miserable to be outside waiting to see if any robins showed up. I' had trouble taking pictures anyway as it's so dark under the lilac, what with the jasmine up there too and the tall hedges (really must do some trimming), that I had to use a very slow shutter speed and that required stillness for clear pictures.

In the rain, I wondered if slow shutter speed could be an advantage.

This makes me yearn for a macro lens (as well as a super zooming one for distant creatures). But, given the work situation (or lack of work situation), buying is not an option.

Talking of the work situation, I was tempted by an advertisement for a Reserve Officer job at the Wildlife Trust. I wondered if I could manage that and to keep up some of my TV work.

Some things deter me... like early mornings every day when I am not exactly a lark at the best of times. Oh, and I read an article on Aeon, I think, suggesting that people diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, which I was, before the borderline, seem to have screwed up circadian rhythms and are likely to be more owls than larks. the level of screwed-up-ness seems to align with the madness. Then it went on to say that this is a biological not a psychological disorder. That made me pause... well, isn't the psyche meant to be reduceable to biology or are they suggesting that psyche is, indeed, spirit? WTF?

So, that's one thing. Then there's actually working five days a week. I know, I am so lazy.

And finally, there's me. The non-conformist, semi-woo-woo, vegan, tree-hugging, never-kill-an-animal-espousing, cynical (I know, seems contradictory but varum et mutabile semper est femina), iconoclastic, not-wanting-to-be-in-a tribe-despite-seeking-my -tribe type of person I am.

Part of me yearns to be like Ian, who inspired me; part of me wants to rail at everything and everyone.

And, after all, could I really pick up a chainsaw again? I don't know. The coppicing feels good, but removing trees.... I don't know. I understand the reasoning, of course I do. All of it, and yet... these small, boundaried places; our ignorance and fixation on knowing the things we can count or see rather than all the everything else that I think matters far, far, more.

Attend closely and the world is more magnificent than we can begin to imagine or ever truly understand.