Work life

There's a lot of sport over Christmas and New Year. Hence, a lot of work. It's one of the strange things about my job. Evenings, weekends and holidays are the times when I work because that's when sport happens. I remember going years without a free weekend in the football season and have spent years being busy over the festive period. I don't mind. Because I am a hermit. And I like being free when other people are working because I can run without being seen. I can crawl through hedges and feed crows without an audience. I could go to the theatre on quieter nights and visit restaurants when they weren't rammed.

What I do mind is work.

Not all of it and not all the time. But I mind it when I feel either that I am letting people down because I am not good enough or when they don't seem to appreciate me. The two things feed each other. As I get anxious, I am less good; as I am less good, they are less appreciative.

Thing is, I am really very old and I have been doing this for a long long time and yet I still feel that I am always on trial. I guess I am: I am freelance.

I remember loving work and feeling valued. Then I got my head kicked in and the new teeth and I had to relearn to speak and start from scratch. It took years and I never really felt comfortable and confident again.

Even now, when I am anxious, my still-numb lip seizes up and my tongue struggles with the false teeth.

Why am I writing about work? Oh, I guess because I had some downs and ups before Christmas and as I was already in a slump-grump it began to preoccupy me.

I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk to someone who would know where I was coming from and what would be the right thing to say. But no one can do that. Other people are always outside the circle of pain, albeit in their own circle of pain. I guess I would have gone to a tree had I not been so damn busy working.

Anyway, I am now wearing the patch. It's upset my stomach and nothing good's happened yet.

Maybe something good will happen.

As I looked at that Energy Centre sign, I asked myself, "Am I suicidal?" And I answered myself, "No." A firm no. That's good. And the boss that day said, "Good script." And the boss the next day said, "It's all sounding fantastic." And those two things were good things.

So good things do happen. It just can take a long, lomg time for a down to turn into an up. Or even just a straight line.