Doubt

Descartes' great discovery of certainty came through doubt. He could not be sure of the external world or the messages from his senses. He doubted reality and existence. It could all be a trick played on him by an evil demon. And yet, he was doubting! - and that gave him pause. The doubt - of that he could be sure.

This became the famous phrase, cogito ergo sum - 'I think, therefore I am'. But really it should have been 'I doubt, therefore I am'.

For many years I have in a sense prided myself on my doubt. You see, I'm not one to hold beliefs strongly. I tend to see both sides of a story and can imagine how an opposing view to the one I'm inclined to take would make sense, be entirely convincing and logically consistent, to a different person looking at the situation from a different perspective with a different world view.

I'm not an extremist - I mean, I accept that 1+1=2 and that there are forces like gravity and that time is something (even if it's not what we think it is).

It's just that I'm rather easily persuaded to see things differently. That makes me sound easy-going and agreeable. Unfortunately, it often works the other way: a person will espouse a belief and my immediate reaction is to doubt. I have a sense of cognitive dissonance at once. A feeling that x can't be simply right, it just can't be the whole story. I feel uncomfortable at the thought that complexity can be categorised neatly into this or that. Surely there's much more in between? And I also feel a kind of visceral rebellion or revolt at the thought that another person has found certainty.

So, I ask questions, pick holes, challenge. This is annoying. You all know this, dear readers, you're my friends: I'm really annoying. And, you may have guessed this, if so your worst case scenario of me is true, I feel just a little bit superior for not being a hard-nosed believer. In anything.

But having no fixed beliefs leaves me rather rudderless in the wide world of experience and actuality. Without beliefs, upon what do I base my values? It's been my understanding, as I attempt to make some sense of the incredible work of Antonio Damasio (see, rather aptly, Descartes' Error), that the values come first, through emotions, and lead to the beliefs. This is not my experience - so, Descartes' Error's error seems to apply in my case.

I can feel persuaded of something. Say, veganism. And then my values align with that belief. Then I speak to my brother about his cheese business and the small artisan cheese-makers he promotes and I have some different beliefs about small scale local operations and my values start to alter. I eat some cheese. Yum. And then I read something from some convincing philosopher about non-human animals' inability to have a narrative self, which means it's ok to kill them, but not to treat them with any cruelty or to allow suffering - and I think, well, maybe. And my values react to that. And then I speak to a vegan who says, 'I just don't accept that.' I argue with her, but secretly am again persuaded. My beliefs re-coalesce around the wrongness of using any animal products and my values follow along.

It's the same with life. A friend at work asked me what was on my bucket list (I don't think many would pose that particular question now...) and I couldn't think of anything I wanted. Not to suggest that I am a happy Buddhist-type living in contentment, who's learned to want what I have rather than what I don't have. I'm not content at all. I just don't know what I want. It changes. All the darn time.

Once I wanted to move to Spain. Once to Ireland. Once to be a writer. Once to be a psychotherapist. Once to work in TV. Once to teach at a university. Once to be with this man. Once to be with that. (You can repeat that phrase a fair few times.) And now, well, to be safe. And that isn't really on the agenda.

Let's bench that.

But consider, if you are changeable and uncertain, how do you ever invest in anything or commit to anything? After a while, whatever I do, it all seems stupid. Something else is more interesting. Really. And I was an idiot to have wasted all that time and money doing the previous thing. What a fool.

I have heard, I believe, research that suggests that both religious people and conservatives are, on average, more happy than the non-religious and the liberals. Faith, well, there's a belief you can hang your hat on. And as for conservatives, they tend to favour order and tradition, while liberals have to adapt all the time to changing social situations - the security of long-standing beliefs is more of a thing for the right of wing, perhaps.

Malleability might seem like one of those modern virtues - you gotta be flexible in a modern labour market! But I think it risks leaving us without an anchor. Without a soul. Maybe some people can lead soul-less lives - the profiteers and those who can make a business initiative out of a crisis. Those people appear to me to be lacking some moral compass, without noticing its absence. Otherwise they'd be like me, bereaved at the lack of direction from within.

Descartes believed that the thinking self he'd verified through doubt was indeed immaterial and everlasting. A soul. I feel like my doubt fails to verify even a thinking self. I have thoughts, sure, and feelings. I manifest a certain personality. But I don't have a sense of 'Me, a consistent being who believes this. Or even that.'

Modern neuroscience, like Buddhism, seems to displace the concept of a self, if one thinks of it as a humunculus within, an ongoing identity or a soul. Instead the 'sense of self' is repeatedly, moment by moment, recreated - a kind of illusion that serves us. And that is how it feels to me. People spend years in meditation trying to get to something that, in terms of the description, aligns with what I experience. But it can't be the same unhinged, ever-alterable, unfixed insecurity that I feel. Because if that were what they invest tens of thousands of hours in doing, they'd, frankly, be crazy. I have no doubt about that.

The reason I'm banging on about this is that I am trying to make a decision. And, as with all other big decisions in the past, I can't. Sometimes the pros of x seem really important, while the pros of y are sort of insignificant. Then, a moment later, it flips. And then again. I feel vertigo. sea-sickness, anxiety.

How can anyone ever know anything? There are so many unknown unknowns. So many unknowable unknowables. And even the known knowns... well, how do you place a value on them if you don't have a self or a soul?

I do know that the particular uncanniness and uncertainty of the coronavirus pandemic makes matters worse. But I need to act. Jump left or right. Stay or go.

Surely my life cannot just be a rolling of the dice?