On being a Mere-Crone

Once again, I had the Conversation.

Me: But I want to feel there's some meaning! Some purpose!

Him: Everyone feels like like.

Me: No, they don't!

Him: They do: they just accept after a while, that they just have to do the normal stuff and get by.

Me: That's not enough!

Him: We can't all be Olympic champions.

Me: I don't want to be an Olympic champion!

Him: But you do want to be the best.

Me: Well, yes... but... not for... like my ego, but to... be worthy of being alive, of using the earth;'s resources. I mean, I want to... help... make a difference...

Him: You do make a difference.

Me: No I don't!!! I have no partner, no children, I'll leave no legacy! No one cares-

Him: STOP.

Me: But it matters to me! I want-

Him: STOP. I've heard all this before.

Me: But-

Him: Look, very few leave a legacy. Why should you expect that you should?

Me: Because... Not because I'm important or clever... but because... it matters... I mean...

Him: You matter as much as anyone matters.

Me: NO! I matter LESS!

Him: I don't know what you expect. Why can't you be satisfied that you have a great life? You work for decent money and have more freedom than most people. You have a job many would be envious of. You have enough money to live and a roof over your head. You have people who love you. What more do you want?

Me: I want to make a difference. I want to write or say things that help. I want to do things that help. Not just fill my time with meaningless stuff. I want to use my life in a way that... that changes things for the better.

Him: But that's why you're volunteering.

Me: Yes, but-

Him: No more buts. You expect too much.

I have had this conversation with him and with a host of therapists and with my father and with my friends. They all tell me that I do matter (as much as anyone does) and suggest, without being so harsh, that it's hubristic to expect more.

But I can't accept that. In part, I feel meaningless because I am so often alone. Even when with people, I feel like I am a different species that doesn't fit. A Mutant (Him: Everyone feels like that.) In part, I feel meaningless because the mutant-me cannot express what seem like profound truths...

Truths like...

How much trees and soil matter - not for their ecosystem services but because in a way they are more... oh... refined and wise than us... that they exemplify truth and meaning and co-operation and acceptance and authenticity and resilience and strength and richness and the bondedness of life and death and the meaninglessness of our narrow concepts of time and profit....

How astonishing other animal species are in their unconstrained existence - by which I mean where they can live without the anthropogenic pressures (which is almost nowhere but they do still manage to an extent). Their sensoria and bodily abilities and varied perspectives on what is real and important to them and their ways of interacting with conspecifics and other species and the ecosystem and the amazing connections and networks of the complex systems that interact and whirl together to make this wonderful world.

How glorious it is to be granted the gift of sharing a moment with a robin or a crow.

How wonderful it is to team up with other humans in unspoken co-operative effort that strains our bodies and feels like an act of obeisance to the world outside our selfish practices.

How stunning it is to feel the intrinsic reality of one's body as an active part of one's mind.

How amazing it is when words can - which they so rarely do - communicate experience not just bare facts and stats.

How astonishing it is to acknowledge that reality is not made of facts and figures but experiences and processes.

Ah yes. That. Reality is a flow not a series of objects.

Why can't I share it?

Because because because I am a Mere-Crone not a mega one.