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Writer's pictureCrone

Tracks of tears

One story, the tale of what's happening in the life of a friend, and one event, experienced by my dad in hospital - an event that occurs many times a day, but which, on that occasion, I shared with him, those two things hit me full in the solar plexus. But I had to stand there and be... the witness? The caring witness. There was nothing I could do or say to make it better. There was nothing I could do or say that would change the story, the event. I was there, with a person, who expressed utter vulnerability. Who felt utter powerlessness and hopelessness. Who was suffering in a way that I could do nothing about.


No mantras, hugs, prayers, cheering words, expressions of love would help. Nor would the claim that the experience was temporary or would get better. Because maybe it wasn't, maybe it wouldn't. You can't deliver platitudes to smart people.


Money or practical assistance wouldn't help.


It doesn't help them for me to think of them or cry for them. Or send loving kindness (though I send loving kindness).


In both cases, all I felt I could do was witness and love. I had to stand there and know, in every cell of my being, that what was happening was absolutely awful. That it might break them. That it was torturing them. All I could do was accompany them. I had to allow inside me the knowledge of agony that cannot be soothed. I don't feel it. But I know it. In a sense I share something. All I can say is, 'I hear you.' But it's more like what the guys said in The Wire - 'I feel you'. I don't feel the pain, it's their pain, but I feel, I sense, the suffering person before me. My eyes are open. I am open to it. I admit it - and that means I admit them.


To try to ease unimaginable suffering that cannot be eased is to deny the experience of the other. To hold the person, one also has to accept the entirety, the presence, of the pain.


I realise that others have done this for me. When my pain has not been so extreme as this pain I witness now. I recognise those who did this for me - Elly, Linda, Shauna, Leanne, Pete, Amanda, Tory, Bob, Paula, Julia, Julien, Issi, Caroline, Moira, Ali, Kat... probably more. I thank them. I truly thank them.



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maplekey4
Jan 08, 2023

This is helpful, dear Friend - Crone. Very, very helpful. Thank you -- As Always xx

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