An email exchange with a new friend after my disappointing mark and feeling of low-low-uselessness-failure.
She sent me a link to a talk she gave and in the midst of the talk was a suggestion. That the circling and expansiveness of crazy-Crone thinking need not spiral out of control. Nor need it return again and again to the same thing (I'm not good enough). No, a new start can circle as it were on a refracted path and be otherwise.
I don't explain well. She says, 'If you're interested in this idea of returning but not repeating, you may find Nietzsche's concept of "eternal return" or Deleuze's ideas around "difference and repetition" interesting. Deleuze actually wrote a really good, short book on Nietzsche.'
This book... it seems I might be able to get an idiot's guide on YouTube... Shit... it's not an idiot's guide. No idea what this guy is on about.
Maybe I have made the sense of sameness worse by my two-times daily trips to the crows; therapy each fortnight; dog-therapy each fortnight; runs in the mornings; rush in the afternoon; work and wine in the evenings and start again.
Aren't all lives like this, though?
Round and round we go. Push the rock up - and fuck it, choose a fuck off BIG rock - and watch it roll down again.
The idea of life after death has always horrified me. One life is so much more than enough. As it is, there's too much again and again about it. Oh how hideous the thought of this for eternity.
But if it could be different.... if it could just be different...
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