Moving forward in a new direction

Actually, not so new as really this is a reaffirmation of much that I have been writing about over the past six months. One could condemn me for confirmation bias in that I tend to read what appeals to me. Still, readers of this blog will know that I didn't originally want to read Humankind: A Hopeful History. Now that I have, I heartily recommend it - well researched, well written and well translated.

Rutger Bregman finishes with ten rules to live by - though he insists he doesn't like self-help books and feels that contemporary society involves too much looking inwards and not enough looking outwards. A better world, he says, doesn't begin with me, but with all of us - which is why, in the book, he offers powerfully examples of revolutionary approaches to education, incarceration, politics and business. Institutions need to change. I totally agree.

Anyway, here are the rules.

1. When in doubt, assume the best. On the whole, as the whole book has sought to prove, most people mean well most of the time. By trusting them, we will more often be right than wrong. Trust does, of course, open us to risk. It is a leap of faith and can expose our vulnerability, but far more often than not trust is rewarded. Of course, it hurts to be conned - and because of the negativity bias, one bad experience has a greater impact than several, or many, positive experiences. But here are two things to remember: firstly, if we choose to be untrusting, the other senses it and will respond in kind, thus the encounter will go badly, whereas the dynamics have the opposite effect if we choose to trust, which could even alter the other's behaviour for the better (consider here Golem and Pygmalion!) and secondly when we think that a person can't be nice because they did x, remember that we probably have thus utterly discounted a, b and c which were all good actions - so is it fair to malign them on such a statistically unfair basis?

2. Think in win-win scenarios. A solution that benefits everyone is far better than a victory that leaves the other beaten down. Those zero-sum games feed further destruction. In addition, forgiving stops us wasting our energy on antipathy and grudges - it frees us to live our lives.

3. Ask more questions. The Golden Rule states treat others as you wish to be treated, the Silver Rule is do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you, but Bregman espouses the Platinum Rule, as stated by George Bernard Shaw - don't do to others what you would like them to do to you, they might have different tastes! Bregman's point is that we can be quite bad at predicting what others want and need, especially if we judge from where we are and who we are. So we should actually find out before we act.

4. Temper empathy, train compassion. This is good - and I have failed to make this distinction often enough. Empathy is feeling the emotional pain (or pleasure) of others, which can drain us of energy and makes us, often, feel shit - or avoid suffering (it's actually why I can't watch wildlife documentaries). Compassion is wishing others well, seeking to help - and this emotion energises us and empowers or prepares us to act in a prosocial manner. This is an important point.

5. Try to understand the other, even if you don't get where they are coming from. Here Bregman is stressing the importance of reasoning - of zooming out from our immediate intuitive and emotional response to consider the motives and reasons for the other's action. It does not mean one has to agree or even condone, but one is far better placed to communicate and collaborate if one seeks to understand - I think the post on listening and arguments covered this. And, thinking about it, much of this is what John Stuart Mill is advocating in 'On Liberty'! Bregman also stresses that at times we must use reason to temper our inclination to be nice, or not to rock the boat: if we see injustice, for example, we should have the courage to stand up, even if that makes us unpopular. Likewise, we should listen to the people speaking unpleasant truths, rather than close our ears to what we would rather not address, because they may have a new and better way of resolving the problem.

6. Love your own as others love their own. As interesting one. Bregman accepts our partiality for kin and so on. It seems he is saying that compassion needs to start small - but once we understand its force we can a) expand to feel compassion for more, for everyone and b) that through understanding that we have our 'favourites' about whom we care most deeply, we can appreciate the bonds that tie strangers to those they love and can see that everyone is precious to someone. Compassion for kin alone is an example to us of how this feeling takes us beyond ourselves and expands us away from self-interested individuals.

7. Avoid the news. It generalises people into groups, it zooms in on the bad actions and bad people, it makes us feel that it is a dangerous and untrustworthy world full of selfish bullies. He advises that we read in depth pieces and get off the screen to meet real people. Bregman offers the suggestion, which I second, that it is as important to be careful about the information we feed into our minds as it is to be careful about the food we put into our bodies.

8. Don't punch Nazis! This is related to his later chapters which consider ways in which people have dealt with those deemed to be beyond the pale: criminals, terrorists, opposition groups and so on. He has some great examples of diffusing enmity through kindness, collaboration, respect and the like which I can't recount here - you'll have to read the book. Essentially, aggression fuels aggression. And negative stereotypes encourage negative results - the Golem effect again. Bregman writes that cynicism is just another word for laziness - I love this - in that it is an excuse not to take responsibility.

9. Don't be afraid to do good. He says it can take courage to act outside the expected self-interested model - but kindness is catching. When people witness acts of real charity and compassion, according to Jonathan Haidt, they experience 'emotion elevation'. Kindness, just witnessing it, makes us feel warm and tingly - and can act as an antidote to cynicism. I experienced this in the early days of lockdown, I recall.

10. Be realistic. Bregman says how telling it is that these days realism is seen as a synonym for cynicism, but this book suggests that we have been acting under an illusion in our belief that humans are selfish, and motivated only to cheat and dominate. He is calling for a new realism, based on the realistic understanding of humankind.

So, I think these rules are better than 'make your bed' and 'stand up tall', from Jordan Peterson's Twelve Rules for Living. For a start, as Bregman says, they are essentially related to how we treat others, not about how good or bad we might feel about ourselves. By acting on them, and internalising such behaviour, we could become people worthy of feeling good about.